19

In South Korea, I lasted approximately 372 days.  In Beijing, I lasted 249, while in Riyadh, I managed a total of 177.  In Vietnam, it was 19 - that's n-n-n-n-nineteen!  But let's not mention the war - until later.

I have made a decision to quit my job and, for now at least, leave Vietnam.  Certain expectations of myself and my role are not working out for me and I have had a gut feeling, since the start, that things haven't felt right and it has been causing me to have generalised worries beyond that might be considered normal.  It was not quite the role I wanted straight after completing my Masters.  It's not a failure, it's a wise decision for my health and wellbeing.  SÒ LÔng to Thủ Dầu Một.

In Riyadh, I completed the length of my contract, having not missed a day's work.  In Beijing, I left a month early, but this was post graduation ceremony and I wanted to work again for Bell on the young learner summer course.  I had also suffered some anxiety over my domestic situation, trying to end a relationship which had become fractious.  In Changwon, I decided to leave because I felt I had made a mistake in signing for a second year.  It could have been a more amicable split. The timing could have been better. 

It was not until earlier this year, having suffered from anxiety attacks at home, that I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, but I have suffered from it, on and off, for years now.  Sometimes, certain situations become too much for me and I feel the need to run away, rather than sticking with it.  But it is not a constant attribution.

Looking back, I have also suffered from, but managed to overcome, symptoms in other locations, which pre-date from my time in Korea, where I was in a teaching job for the first time, and discounting my volunteering stint in Tanzania.   Sometimes, I have managed to work through it or sought help which has eased the problems.  At other times, when I have decided to draw things to a close, I have felt so overwhelmed that I have had to leave or, at least, take time out.  This includes a couple of occasions during the past year, doing my Masters or serving customers in a bar and restaurant in my home town, during the busy summer months.  In both of those last examples, I came back, fitter, stronger.  But it is a recurring theme, and not being organised and not knowing where and what I am teaching is the scourge of my dreams (nightmares) when I sleep. 

Why does it happen?  Well, each situation is unique and comes with its own obstacles or conditions which make functioning very difficult.  What might link them all is the stuff that goes round my head about expectations and performance.  For me, I readily admit that I suffer from a perfectionist streak and that I have high standards of myself.  Sometimes, I get so worked up about things being just as I want them to be, and the reality is that often my expectations are too great.  I know this has something to do with it.  Certain things need to be in place for me to feel happy and to be able to function as I want to.  Sometimes these are sufficiently present, while at other times, these are lacking, and I bemoan the fact.  If I am unable to verbalise my worries then panic attacks ensue, beginning with heavy breathing and pacing up and down.  And despite being very familiar the serenity prayer, and having recently written and spoken about mindfulness, I am guilty of not putting rational thinking into my daily life or putting things into place some tactics for coping with the situation I am faced with.

Having said all this, there are some things I had hoped for in my next job after my masters in ELT with a specialism in ICT, and that is the extensive use of technology.  Having written about this for my dissertation, I felt that my next role would see a greater use of technology.  I was never under any illusion that I would get that at EIU.  It clearly wasn't the place to expect that and in getting back to nitty-gritty whiteboard-only teaching, I felt it was a throwback to my days at CAFA, in Beijing.  Ideally, I would have adapted to the conditions, been resourceful and imaginative.  Timing is everything, and I feel I just wasn't up-to-speed and was let down by issues of online connectivity.  Not that long ago, I was planning to work in Dubai or Abu Dhabi, where technology would have been all around.  That opportunity never came up.  Neither was the opportunity at RMIT which I had originally pinned my hopes on.

As I am writing, I am listening to Test Match Special cricket commentary from England's current tour of India.  Geoffrey Boycott is talking, as he has done many times, about the failings of England's batsmen and what goes on in their heads, especially when they get out too early into their innings, and don't allow enough time to play themselves in.  There is a similar analogy here with how cricketers, as well as many other professional sportsmen and women, have to overcome mental demons, to succeed.  I am also reminded of Marcus Trescothick, a brilliant opening batsmen for Somerset and England, who once he started to suffer from a 'stress-related illness' abroad, found he was unable to ever tour again.   More recently, last year, Michael Yardy returned from England's 50 overs World Cup campaign, suffering from depression.  Coincidentally, in three innings, he had scored just 19.  At the time he stated,

"Leaving at this stage of the World Cup campaign was a very difficult decision to make," the 30-year-old said. "But I felt it was the only sensible option for me and I wanted to be honest about the reason behind that decision."

I can relate to the difficulties of 'situational response' that comes with confronting a situation similar to one before when problems arose.  Maybe I didn't given myself enough time to settle into my innings, either, trying to 'hit a six' before I had even played myself in.  But at least I have been honest about my reasons for my decision.

Ho Chi Minh at the Central Post Office

So, my third and final weekend in the country, was spent in Ho Chi Minh City, during which I told my line manager and some colleagues of my decision.  Whilst they went ahead with plans to go on a boat trip and a train/beach trip to Nha Trang respectively, I stayed put in the city to ruminate on my decision.  I managed to get a wonderful massage and a decent evening meal at the Vietnamese kitchen in Dong Bui Vien and also hired a bike to take me round the city visiting a few of the most popular tourist attractions.  Popular, maybe, but enjoyable, certainly not.  The War Remnants Museum is a harrowing account of the atrocities carried out during the prolonged Vietnam war.  The displays are consistently anti American, detailing the full horror of US involvement in the country, most notably the massacre of My Lai and the use of Agent Orange on the country.   At the Reunification Palace, you can stroll around a deserted government building.  The first communist tanks to arrive in Saigon on 30 April 1975, smashed down the palace gates, and it is as if time has stood still ever since:  60's style decor, presidential operations rooms and banquetting halls, detailed wall maps, a helipad, a gambling room, a lush movie theatre and a fascinating basement, full of telecommunications equipment in a network of tunnels.  It must rival the cabinet war rooms in London for historical impact.  

The most popular tourist destination in the city

Some of the chemical weapons used in the Vietnam War