A Brief Dalliance (edit)

View from Room 628, Airport Hotel, Dalian

This is one of those posts in which the title came first and then the story was an afterthought.  I just couldn't resist making a play on the word 'Dalian' - my home for the past two weeks - and scene of my latest failure to hold down an EFL job.  This time, in North-East China.  This is an edited version of a post I originally put up on the 6 October.

visited this on 19 Sep - the anniversary of Dalian's founding

 

I had left the UK in a good frame of mind, on 16 September.  I was mentally ready for the challenge.  This time I was going to get it right. As I posted earlier, here, there was simply no alternative to not coping.  Perhaps it was the suppressed fears of not wanting to fail which won out in the end.  For the third time this year I found myself, one week in, rocking uncontrollably in my room, crippled with irrational fear, unable to pick up the phone to call in 'sick' and waiting for the inevitable news that my services were no longer required. 

The first few days were fine.  I arrived just as the mid-autumn (moon) festival begun.   I visited the campus and carried out some placement speaking tests.  The office was undergoing a refit and I met some other members of staff.   During the holiday period, I visited the city of Dalian, hopping on and off various buses.    This included finding Xinghai Park and walking along the 'Bobybuilding walkway' up to the Zoo entrance.  I made friends with a Warwick graduate, staying in the same airport hotel, and we explored the city together on the first day.  I picked up a local SIM card but couldn't get it to work properly on my phone, which was to become a source of frustration.   On the Friday (3rd full day), I did a bit more 'sightseeing' by myself, before ending up at A Capella, an English-speaking bar off Wuyi Road, with a few of the teachers.  I felt good, relaxed, ready.

Over the weekend, my mood took a dip.  I cannot explain why.  The apprehension of teaching on Monday started building.  I had a bad night's sleep on the Saturday and woke up on Sunday feeling bad.  I began to feel quite disorientated.  I tried to plan, but the spectre of failure started to weigh on my mind once again.

Another restless night meant that instead of waking up fresh on Monday, I was preoccupied with worry about things not going well.  I could not get it out of my head that I was going to fail, just like before.  That subconscious pressure reared its ugly head and I succumbed to inner voices telling me it wasn't going to happen.   The immediate pressure was taken off by my new boss and only had to observe my classes rather than teach them, but I didn't manage to grab an ideal spot in the reorganised staff room and I felt like I had started off on the wrong foot.

I managed to teach my first class on the following day, some low level graphic art students, who seemed to enjoy the lesson, based on part 2 of the IELTS speaking test, on talking about your favourite subject at school.  Although I referred to the coursebook, I took a fairly 'dogme' approach to the lesson, with a long lead-in.

Things took a really bad turn starting Wednesday, and I felt imprisoned in my hotel room.  I was eventually coaxed out of my room by another sympathetic colleague, who had gone through her own work related anxiety problems. My boss also turned up to take me out of the hotel room, which was definitely forming some kind of mental prison cell.  It was suggested that I was going 'stir crazy'.  Attempts to relax me only tackled the surface symptoms.  The seeds of failure had already been sown and I was fighting the inevitable conclusion.

On Thursday, I was visibly agitated during my compulsory health check.  Physical only, no examination of the brain.   I changed my mind several times about teaching that afternoon, eventually failing to do so.  That, I think, was the end, in both our minds.  I was trying to see a way forward, but the advice that I was receiving seemed to be falling on (my) deaf ears. 

On Friday, I was pinned, yet again, to my hotel room.  I couldn't bring myself to get help.  I was eventually coaxed into going back to the DPU campus, for what turned out to be the last time.   With Madonna, Nirvana and The Prodigy playing in the Bali Cafe, a discussion was had with the boss which resulted in a decision to get a return ticket to UK organised as quickly as possible.   I was persuaded to attended a formal, staff 'welcome' dinner in the VIP section of Da Qing Hua, if nothing else than to get some food inside of me. I had not been eating properly. I felt quite uncomfortable, knowing that my time on the programme was up so soon.  I was absolutely gutted, devastated. I knew I could have done this job, provided I could have got through the first couple of weeks or so.  I had not been able to 'pull through' on this occasion, as one colleague remarked. I had taught for the total of one lesson of 90 minutes.

'Bobybuilding Walkway'  

There are other factors involved here.  It is not simply a case of me 'failing'. Dealing with a new, foreign situation and particularly a Chinese one can be alienating at the best of times.  I was not happy at the airport hotel, had no appetite for the included breakfast and couldn't get cereal or a decent, strong black coffee.  I realised this was only a temporary measure, but it seems that the campus apartments we were promised would not be ready for another 1-2 months. This was causing general displeasure amongst the teaching staff. 

Being unable to speak any Mandarin left me feeling hopeless when it came to ordering food or getting what I wanted, such a taxi ride to campus, without getting the tones wrong.  Then there are contextual issues surrounding the students' ability (or lack thereof) and the fact that the university is located right beside Dalian airport with planes taking off every ten minutes or so.   But I can't fault the programme or my employers.  I have no particular criticism of the syllabus, choice of coursebooks or timetable.  There were some resources lacking, but it was at a level I was expecting - whiteboards and marker pens, with a few portable projectors.  I was supported partly because I had flagged up my condition beforehand. But, in the end, I could not really be helped.  The programme had many difficulties last year, although it seemed that management have got a good grip on things now.  It is a shame, because teaching on this course was easily within my capabilities and the teaching demands were not too great.

Beach front At Xinghai Park

So, the result of this is that I returned to the UK (3 October) with the aim of seeking professional help with my recurring problem.  If I am to teach again then I need to crack this.  Three times in 2013 and on three further, previous occasions this condition, whether it gets a label or not, has prevented me from continuing with a newly acquired teaching position.   It seems, strangely, to have gotten worse since I graduated from Warwick (Sep 2012).  There are deep, psychological reasons why this keeps happening.  There are many factors at play.  I am seriously questionning whether I should really be an EFL teacher or whether I just need to properly learn some techniques to get through the first two weeks of any new situation.

It is very easy to slip back into a depression and I now have a battle on to avoid that happening.   I don't think it is wise to rush straight into applying for another job when I need to sort out the issue or learn to cope with it.  I am going to try not to let this put me off teaching for good.  I am still employable and there are people out there who have faith in my abilities.  I just need to recover that faith in myself before it's too late.

- TP

German Castle in the Sky

One of the bus routes into the city

Random Destination

I am currently a frustrated, jobless and slightly disillusioned but, nonetheless, still qualified English language teacher, with a determination to find reasonably-paid work as quickly as possible, somewhere in the world. It has got to the point where I might just pick a random destination from the atlas and set off, without first securing a contract.  The chances are likely, however, that even if I do this, I will choose somewhere reasonably familiar, in order to build on previous experiences, rather than gambling completely on fate. Wherever I go next, this is a moment to take stock and reflect on where I am in the professional life cycle as a teacher and to confirm that I actually want to continue in this profession.

'Enhance Your Employability' it says on the DMU SU building

I am also reflecting on an extended period of being out of work and a lack of confidence in my abilities, despite enjoying and doing extremely well on my MA.   I am also writing this having just read Stephen Fry's reflections on his suicide attempt last year - here.  I don't have any of Mr Fry's intellect, experience or world knowledge, but I do have agitated depression (or 'generalised anxiety disorder' to put it another way) which has lead me to either struggle at the start of a new job or leave early.  I have also had the occasional suicidal thought.  The symptoms do come and go.  The medication I take is usually enough, but not always.   But I do know that it begins with thoughts.  Fry manages to get offered work despite his well-documented illness, he can get away with it being the personality that he is.   I still aim to get work despite my lesser documented problems.  I don't write about it on here for good reason, as EFL jobs abroad often come with a full medical requirement, even if this is only ever a physical check at a nearby hospital. In addition, contracts commonly stipulate that any medical condition which may affect work need to be disclosed.  I don't know the extent to which teachers hide medical information about themselves, but I've decided I am not going to keep it secret if and when I get offered work.

[added] Initial reactions to this post have been supportive but I reckon there a lot of others who privately think they would not have shared this information so openly, so potentially anyone can see.  I think it is important to accept that sometimes I struggle and have crippling self-doubts. This is part of who I am.

This current reflection comes after a curtailed summer contract on a pre-sessional at the Centre for English Language Learning at De Montfort University, Leicester - here.  It was my first time to teach on a summer EAP (English for Academic Purposes) course in the UK.   Having been out of work since taking a wrong turn in Cambridge back in January, it was always going to be a test of my character.  I previously researched the possibility of getting EAP work this summer back in March/April but had decided I would not be able to do it.  These kinds of courses are intensive and not for the faint-hearted. Plus, I had no direct experience.  The hourly rate of pay is excellent but the demands are high, as well as the need to be very flexible.  Handily, I got recommended by two Facebook friends, one a former colleague at King Saud University (KSU), Riyadh. In addition, my interview and demo lesson had gone well.

At DMU, almost all of my students were Chinese business undergraduates, mostly in their 3rd year, but first and only year in the UK.  Primarily using one core textbook, most of the focus was on the particular academic skills of recognising fact from opinion, using quotations, paraphrasing, summarising and referencing.  Producing in-text citations was, particularly, a key element, and this was tested in the end of course reading/writing assessment.  Well-rehearsed written work on the environment and being an only child was very much in evidence.  As was the tendencies to copy whole chunks of texts and hope the answer to a particular question lay within.  Plagiarism was everywhere, unknowingly committed.  I wanted to whip out TurnItIn's beautiful research, The Plagiarism Spectrum - here, and stick the ten icons liberally over the texts I read.

It would be improper to go into detail about the nature and (dis)organisation of the course.   Likewise, I do not wish to go into detail about how I coped with it (or otherwise).  Needless to say that, in the end, shifting objectives and suicidal thoughts notwithstanding, I survived the first 5 week preparation (Jul-Aug) course, but only just.  I taught most of my scheduled morning and afternoon classes, including ones set aside especially for presentations and practice listening to lectures.  In addition, I set and marked homework, conducted and marked the assessments as required, conducted tutorials with my tutees, filed my student reports on time and submitted these to the group leader - who had his own things to say about the listening test - here.  Some of my lessons were probably boring and academic, but they did what was required.  

Unfortunately, I was not kept on for the final 5-week pre-sessional course (Aug-Sep) due to one too many absences, all but one of which came in the first week of teaching as I was adjusting to the pace.  I started off on the wrong foot. It was suggested to me that I could have volunteered information about my condition during my interview - why? I probably would not have got offered the work.  I was not asked, so I did not say. Why would I do that?  Why would I volunteer information, unless assurance can be given that such information would not prejudice my employment.  

However, I have now changed my mind about this and, as I stated earlier, I am not going to hide the information. I still need to give assurances that my condition will not affect my performance.  I have to live with the consequences of accepting work and, most importantly, not hide behind the symptoms or use them as an excuse for non-attendance.

Which brings me back to the future.  I have had some notable successes since first venturing out to South Korea in 2007, without any formal teaching background.  I was 'one of the last ones standing' (May 2010) according to my former line manager at CAFA, in Beijing.  I left KSU, too, at the right time, contract completed, with duties performed (June 2011).  I have also had some fun with young learners, making short films, at Bell in Cambridge (2009, 2010).  I am a 'wonderful and dedicated teacher' (ditto), a 'rising star' (personal tutor) with 'moments of brilliance' and 'dedication beyond the call of duty' (another former line manager).   I also still have access to the personal and professional learning network which grew from almost nothing before my MA. 

But since graduating with an MA in ELT last year, things have not gone so well. A trip to Vietnam came, perhaps, at the wrong time, with a job which did not meet my 'inflated' expectations about teaching with technology.  Here, my generalised anxiety was causing me to feel unsettled.  In hindsight, I did not give the place (country + job) long enough and I was hasty to leave.  Another short-lived position, this time at EF, Cambridge, in January, came in the middle of another period of being mentally unstable.  Although delighted to be back in the city where I previously had lived for 5 years, I made a bad decision over accommodation and did not settle quickly enough into the new 'senior' role that I had been given.  It was also incredibly claustrophobic. Cue further illness and, ultimately, a short but necessary stay in hospital.  It took a long time to get my confidence back again, enough to apply for work, let alone actually teach.  The weeks drifted by, then the months.  I attended  the IATEFL annual conference in Liverpool, but did not enjoy the experience, suffering from social anxiety for the whole week.  I did not write blog posts about it as originally planned but, considering how I had been feeling, it had been a wonder I made it through the week at all.  Eventually, after a mental semi-recovery, came the DMU gig, which, in lots of ways, was actually a partial success.

So now, with eager potential employers possibly reading this, wondering just which version of me they are hiring, comes the next stage.  A back-to-the-chalkface, 9-5 teaching job in a foreign country?  Follow the head? the heart? Check out the working conditions and the area first or chance it?  Try a completely new continent?  Get a visa beforehand or wait 'til you get there? Is the glass half-empty or half-full? A chance to shine, to inspire once more, with expectations no longer inappropriately exaggerated.  Flexibility, along with reliability,  firmly back on the list of key competencies.

Next stop: Anywhere

New Year, New Challenge, Old Problem

http://www.ef.co.uk/

The new year starts with a new job, a new challenge and a return to Cambridge, which I have for a long time considered to be my favourite city in the world. This time, I am hoping it lasts and that I can finally live and work in this city, an opportunity for which has come earlier than expected.

It's 9 years since I last lived in Cambridge full-time and a couple of years since I last worked there, for Bell Education Trust, at The Leys, on one of their hugely successful young learner summer courses.  Very recently,  I applied for and successfully landed a senior teacher role on a University Preparation Abroad programme at Education First, Hills Road.  It's the first time I've been a  'senior' anything.  Just in time, age-wise, before I start having 'senior' moments, too.  I will be teaching more on the EAP (English for Academic Purposes) side of things, rather than straight EFL - which was always my preference post-MA. Some of my students are aiming to attend a UK University to do their first degree, others will have already completed their first degree and are now pre-masters.  A few in my class, oddly, are even potential PhD/doctoral researchers.  Other specialist subjects are taught, such as Mathematics and Scientific subjects, but fortunately not by me!

Although I've had responsibility before, mostly being front-of-house at a bar and restaurant in my home town, this is the first time as a language teacher that I've not been on the perceived 'bottom rung'.  I've previously been a mere 'EFL teacher' in South Korea, China and Saudi, as well as on the summer courses mentioned already.  So this is definitely a step up.  I have, nonetheless, taking unofficial responsibility for mentoring other teachers and student-teachers, most recently at Warwick, on the MA.  How my 'senior' role works out remains to be seen, but if 50% of that is taking the lead and showing initiative then that suits me fine.

Screenshot from promotional video - click here

This role will not only see me doing the usual things of working on course material, being involved in the organization and administration of exam practice  and actual teaching, but I will also, ideally, be taking a lead on the delivery of Virtual Learning Environment/e-learning tools across the school. This was a key factor, I believe, in being hired, and with my recent research into this area, I feel I have the necessary, ahem, tools to do this.  I feel that I have always lead by example, anyway, so this, in theory, should be no different.  However, I feel out of practice, 'rusty' in the work environment.  There are lots of new requirements and added responsibilities this time around.  I think by the looks of the timetable that I will be having long working days.  I will need to show patience not to expect everything to be in place from the off, and let things build.

During the past week, I was fortunate enough to obtain (courtesy of an early birthday present) a 4th generation iPad.  I now need to spend some time familiarising myself with it.  It will obviously be used for personal and pleasure use (Fruit Ninja, Angry Birds, Spotify etc), but will eventually become my tool for teaching. My first 'purchase' was Adrian Underhill's Macmillan Sounds app, based around a working phonemic chart.  There are rooms with soft comfortable, furnishings at the school, which I think are called iLabs, dedicated to iPad tuition.  The students are asked to keep blogs and we share info using Google Docs, which I've not previously used, but probably works, with a shared drive, much like Dropbox - which I have previously used.  Homework can be set and monitored this way.  Most of this is new to me.

It is going to be a steep learning curve in some areas, mostly in the way that EF operates and the expectations it has of its students.  A lot of these expectations, however, might apply to any language school looking to prepare it's attendees for progression into university life.  I'm working my way through a 50+ page teacher's handbook, which contains plenty of expected information, such  as the learning  and teaching strategy, learning outcomes and methods of assessment.

I've already had an induction, 3 days before actually starting (7 Jan) which filled me with as many questions as answers.  But this will realistically be a case of learning 'on the job'.  I'm going to be very busy now.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Postscript:

I left this post after one week and a couple of days.  As previously disclosed - in 19 - I can suffer from generalised anxiety disorder in certain situations. Sometimes, things become too much for me and I feel the need to run away, rather than sticking with it.  It is not a constant attribution.

Despite the familiarity of Cambridge there were a few factors which contributed to my dysfunctional state of mind.  I had been struggling with anxiety-related stress throughout the Christmas period.   I don't know how I managed to cope with the interview during this time, but I did.  Once the job offer came (31 Dec) things happened very quickly. I had to get organised and sort out accommodation, in order that I could start on Mon 7 Jan. 

I found the place to be chaotic and overcrowded.  It was the middle of winter and some rooms were freezing cold.  My latent claustrophobia kicked in. I did not react well to a cluttered teachers' room.  I managed to teach my morning class, 'academic writing skills', in a converted attic, but was moved to a smaller, cupboard-like space for the second week.

I had stated, above, that I would need to show patience not to expect everything to be in place from the off.   This came true and I found patience lacking.  I was also overly worried about the 'senior' part of my role and did not feel organised or mentally stable.

Above all else, however, was the issue to do with accommodation.  EF kindly arranged for a bed & breakfast place in Great Shelford and I commuted the short trip in each morning for that week.  On Saturday, I moved into a tiny room in a small, cluttered house in Derwent Close.  I only had a few days to arrange a place to live.  On the Friday, before I started work, I visited this place, following an induction at Hills Road, and before going on to my friend's 50th Birthday party.   It was a house owned by an antique's dealer who I think had his own issues with OCD by the way things were laid out.  I felt rushed into a decision to accept, in order to take away the worry of house hunting.  It was never going to be a conducive place to live.  I should never have agreed to move in.  I lasted 3 days and 3 nights.

It's all a blur now, but I remember trying to sign up at a local GP surgery.  On the Monday, at the start of the second week, snow had fallen. An ambulance was called to the house. I had not slept at all.  I had spent the weekend in a state, not getting for Monday.  Mark, who had helped me move to Shelford Lodge, had seen me in this state.  Instead of turning up for work, I found myself in hospital.  Before I knew it, I was back at work telling them I was not going to continue and my stuff was being collected.  In the heavy snow, I was driven back to Norfolk, via the Crisis team in Norwich.

In February, following an incident back home, I was admitted to a psychiatric unit in King's Lynn.  Then it really hit me what had happened. My future prospects, at that point, looked bleak.

19

In South Korea, I lasted approximately 372 days.  In Beijing, I lasted 249, while in Riyadh, I managed a total of 177.  In Vietnam, it was 19 - that's n-n-n-n-nineteen!  But let's not mention the war - until later.

I have made a decision to quit my job and, for now at least, leave Vietnam.  Certain expectations of myself and my role are not working out for me and I have had a gut feeling, since the start, that things haven't felt right and it has been causing me to have generalised worries beyond that might be considered normal.  It was not quite the role I wanted straight after completing my Masters.  It's not a failure, it's a wise decision for my health and wellbeing.  SÒ LÔng to Thủ Dầu Một.

In Riyadh, I completed the length of my contract, having not missed a day's work.  In Beijing, I left a month early, but this was post graduation ceremony and I wanted to work again for Bell on the young learner summer course.  I had also suffered some anxiety over my domestic situation, trying to end a relationship which had become fractious.  In Changwon, I decided to leave because I felt I had made a mistake in signing for a second year.  It could have been a more amicable split. The timing could have been better. 

It was not until earlier this year, having suffered from anxiety attacks at home, that I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, but I have suffered from it, on and off, for years now.  Sometimes, certain situations become too much for me and I feel the need to run away, rather than sticking with it.  But it is not a constant attribution.

Looking back, I have also suffered from, but managed to overcome, symptoms in other locations, which pre-date from my time in Korea, where I was in a teaching job for the first time, and discounting my volunteering stint in Tanzania.   Sometimes, I have managed to work through it or sought help which has eased the problems.  At other times, when I have decided to draw things to a close, I have felt so overwhelmed that I have had to leave or, at least, take time out.  This includes a couple of occasions during the past year, doing my Masters or serving customers in a bar and restaurant in my home town, during the busy summer months.  In both of those last examples, I came back, fitter, stronger.  But it is a recurring theme, and not being organised and not knowing where and what I am teaching is the scourge of my dreams (nightmares) when I sleep. 

Why does it happen?  Well, each situation is unique and comes with its own obstacles or conditions which make functioning very difficult.  What might link them all is the stuff that goes round my head about expectations and performance.  For me, I readily admit that I suffer from a perfectionist streak and that I have high standards of myself.  Sometimes, I get so worked up about things being just as I want them to be, and the reality is that often my expectations are too great.  I know this has something to do with it.  Certain things need to be in place for me to feel happy and to be able to function as I want to.  Sometimes these are sufficiently present, while at other times, these are lacking, and I bemoan the fact.  If I am unable to verbalise my worries then panic attacks ensue, beginning with heavy breathing and pacing up and down.  And despite being very familiar the serenity prayer, and having recently written and spoken about mindfulness, I am guilty of not putting rational thinking into my daily life or putting things into place some tactics for coping with the situation I am faced with.

Having said all this, there are some things I had hoped for in my next job after my masters in ELT with a specialism in ICT, and that is the extensive use of technology.  Having written about this for my dissertation, I felt that my next role would see a greater use of technology.  I was never under any illusion that I would get that at EIU.  It clearly wasn't the place to expect that and in getting back to nitty-gritty whiteboard-only teaching, I felt it was a throwback to my days at CAFA, in Beijing.  Ideally, I would have adapted to the conditions, been resourceful and imaginative.  Timing is everything, and I feel I just wasn't up-to-speed and was let down by issues of online connectivity.  Not that long ago, I was planning to work in Dubai or Abu Dhabi, where technology would have been all around.  That opportunity never came up.  Neither was the opportunity at RMIT which I had originally pinned my hopes on.

As I am writing, I am listening to Test Match Special cricket commentary from England's current tour of India.  Geoffrey Boycott is talking, as he has done many times, about the failings of England's batsmen and what goes on in their heads, especially when they get out too early into their innings, and don't allow enough time to play themselves in.  There is a similar analogy here with how cricketers, as well as many other professional sportsmen and women, have to overcome mental demons, to succeed.  I am also reminded of Marcus Trescothick, a brilliant opening batsmen for Somerset and England, who once he started to suffer from a 'stress-related illness' abroad, found he was unable to ever tour again.   More recently, last year, Michael Yardy returned from England's 50 overs World Cup campaign, suffering from depression.  Coincidentally, in three innings, he had scored just 19.  At the time he stated,

"Leaving at this stage of the World Cup campaign was a very difficult decision to make," the 30-year-old said. "But I felt it was the only sensible option for me and I wanted to be honest about the reason behind that decision."

I can relate to the difficulties of 'situational response' that comes with confronting a situation similar to one before when problems arose.  Maybe I didn't given myself enough time to settle into my innings, either, trying to 'hit a six' before I had even played myself in.  But at least I have been honest about my reasons for my decision.

Ho Chi Minh at the Central Post Office

So, my third and final weekend in the country, was spent in Ho Chi Minh City, during which I told my line manager and some colleagues of my decision.  Whilst they went ahead with plans to go on a boat trip and a train/beach trip to Nha Trang respectively, I stayed put in the city to ruminate on my decision.  I managed to get a wonderful massage and a decent evening meal at the Vietnamese kitchen in Dong Bui Vien and also hired a bike to take me round the city visiting a few of the most popular tourist attractions.  Popular, maybe, but enjoyable, certainly not.  The War Remnants Museum is a harrowing account of the atrocities carried out during the prolonged Vietnam war.  The displays are consistently anti American, detailing the full horror of US involvement in the country, most notably the massacre of My Lai and the use of Agent Orange on the country.   At the Reunification Palace, you can stroll around a deserted government building.  The first communist tanks to arrive in Saigon on 30 April 1975, smashed down the palace gates, and it is as if time has stood still ever since:  60's style decor, presidential operations rooms and banquetting halls, detailed wall maps, a helipad, a gambling room, a lush movie theatre and a fascinating basement, full of telecommunications equipment in a network of tunnels.  It must rival the cabinet war rooms in London for historical impact.  

The most popular tourist destination in the city

Some of the chemical weapons used in the Vietnam War