This turnaround comes courtesy of a heart-to-heart in Costa Coffee, Dongzhimen, in which we 'had to make a decision' about our future. The positive outcome of the meeting is also initially down to a bouquet of flowers which I purchased in the afternoon. The flowers (see pic), containing 3 lillies, on their own would not have been sufficient, but it laid the foundations for a good evening, in which the bitterness and 'coldness' of this last week was put behind us.
Last Saturday, it snowed again in Beijing. A brief white spell. But it is March now and this winter has been going on to long - remember, it snowed heavily on 1 November and that effectively signalled the start of winter. It is scheduled to snow again on Monday (8th). Fortunately, I have just returned from 2 weeks of warmth and sunshine. The cold snap, with chill biting winds returned on Friday this week and I had to fish out my big, thick winter jacket again. I thought I had put it away for good.
The other coldness is the one felt by Lisa, from me. Not only a disastrous reunion meeting last Saturday, in which we tried to make sense of each other in a crowded KFC, but no gifts, no face-to-face signs of affection, no 'practical activities' which showed my feelings. Unbeknown to her, I was making a compilation video of our time in the Philippines. I have learned now that this was not sufficient.
"A man should take the initiative". This is what I have learned this week. The underlying issue, which I didn't realise and hadn't dealt with. I am not wholly used to taking the initiative, although I can do it and have done it in the past. I have even taken the initiative with Lisa on some occasions,but because I am an egalitarian in relationships, I don't feel I should do it all the time. However, in this case, I should, no....no....no... I must - for the relationship to work.
I had been left to organise the whole itinerary for the Philippines, which I thought was a set-up. If it goes well, then great.... but if it goes wrong then I can get blamed. No, my misunderstanding. It is about me taking the initiative.... I lead, she follows... so used to taking the initiative before in a relationship, Lisa is tired of doing so and wants to sit back and let someone else take the reigns. Similarly, she is tired of doing all the work in a relationship, putting herself out and just getting burned. Last time, I compared our beginning to my start with Christine - going on holiday soon after getting together. This, too, is similar, in that she had been in a relationship with a guy in which she had become tried of making all the decisions. So, I have learned my lesson this week, finally, and just in time. She must, however, stop making reactions and expectations based upon recent, hurtful experiences. She's living too much in the past.
It could have gone either way. Indeed, I was expecting it to end, based on the text messages I had received 'post-Skype-conversation'. I guess, by buying the flowers I had taken some kind of initiative, some positive intent, some expression of feeling which I could build upon. It was the first flowers a guy had ever bought her. I didn't believe her, but if that is true then it has made a big impression.
Meanwhile, my first full week back at the university has finished. We begin teaching again next Monday (8th). So, this week has been about meetings, planning and getting organised. I have already had far more time than necessary to get ready, so I am fully prepared and energised.
For two days this week there was an 'open day' for the foundation programme. All the students exhibited their work and welcomed interesting students and their parents about the prospect of doing the CAFAIFC (International Foundation Course) from next September.I have been given a new member of staff, Li Jian ('Jamie'), to provide one-to-one English tuition for. 'Jamie' is a 4th year undergraduate at Beijing Union University, Chaoyang. She is studying Business e-commerce, similar to what Lisa does for a living - except Lisa has a wealth of experience in software design and solutions management.
I have now allowing myself the feeling of taking a valued interest in the whole foundation programme beyond that which I had before. The reason is that I have less time remaining than I have already completed, and I must think about the future. Do I want to come back to Beijing, do I want to come back to Bell and the CAFA programme? I believe it will all be here next year (from September) if I want it. And I am seriously considering it, serious relationship or not. I have stated my feeling, my intention to return, to members of CAFA staff and to my employer. I have applied for the Bell young learners summer
course again and intend to work at the Leys again - probably for 4 weeks in July and August. How they expect me to fill in another CRB form though, I am not sure. But after that, there is a higher chance than not of returning to Beijing for another 10/12 months. Beyond that, who knows... the future is not ours to see... not yet... although we CAN shape our future and we CAN make decisions about our future. I also applied for the position of IELTS examiner with the British Council this week. Unfortunately, they are quite strict about having a minimum of 3 years' experience, so that is not going to happen.
On Saturday, a day after making peace with Lisa and starting afresh, we visited 798 Art District UCCA Ullens Centre together. The purpose was to see Tim Crowley's 18 Reasons Why We Still Need Superman - 18 video pieces by contemporary artists. Anyway, Tim is a art lecturer and tutor at CAFA, and now a friend of mine. He has been touring around South-East Asia with this exhibition, carrying it in 2 boxes, as all the pieces are conveniently portable videos.
Unfortunately the first 2 videos were very boring, so we left.
It was still worthwhile visiting 798 again, with Lisa, as there were many photo opportunities. Mostly, me posing while she snapped away. We fell out briefly again, but I am learning that is par for the course... it's because we matter so much to each other. We carried on talking about the future and ended up in Guangximen, her current location where she unhappily lives with her brother and his wife. We seem set on getting a place together and for good reasons, not just because we want to free ourselves of our current situations.
On Sunday, we visited China National Museum Of Art and later continued the discussion about moving in together. I am certain now that it will happen, sooner or later. It is what we both want. It has involved a lot of discussion about we need as well as what we want. We don't want to be half-hearted about this. No fudged, tentative steps anymore. There are some issues, doubts and fears. But we want to be together. I believe, on Sunday, I came up with a solution that would satisfy us both. It remains to be seen if that solution is followed, but it could well cement our longer-term relationship and show my commitment to continuing to live in Beijing.
TP
while the compilation, 'Lost In The Philippines' video I refer to above is also online - click here
Further photos from the Philippines -
click here
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