The Beginning of The End

It is now 7 April.  I have arrived at the beginning of the end.  Final decisions about exit date are still to be confirmed, but I will now be leaving Beijing, China sometime in May, which is around one month earlier than originally planned.

Recent events, which can be grouped into 2 areas, have spurred on this end game.  One area is the changes which have taken place at the University which have completely undermined our company and my motivation to be there.  The other area, naturally, is my domestic situation.  

I reached the breaking point at work last Friday, when rumoured changes to the teaching programme were officially laid out.  It was a drastic, knee-jerk reaction to low attendance and a total disregard for the students' education and my company's well planned syllabus.   Just when we into a groove for this semester, knowing what we were doing and what the aims were, the university told the students about changes, without consulting us first.  Any reasonable provider would walk away and take its teachers with them.  Not here.  All our planning and expectations have been chucked into the rubbish bin, along with our professional, experienced knowledge of overseas universities.  We tried to oppose the changes, but were shouted down.  Students who have an IELTS score of 5.0 and above can be signed off and do not have to attend class.  Given the option, most will take it.  However, it does them a complete disservice to allow them to think that they have made it into the wider world.  They will scrape through into a foreign university, immediately struggle with the pace of learning and have to quit within the first 6 months.  I understand the issues of retention, being a student rep and a welfare officer at Anglia, Cambridge.  There we had a lot of foreign students who fell through the net.  Now we have 6 weeks (which includes 2 bank holidays) to provide yet another 'intensive' training course to get the 4.5s up half a band.   The students have been 'threatened' that if they don't attend class they will not 'graduate' from this prestigious institution.  Too late!   Most of these students do not have what it takes to study.  Only fantastic luck will save them.  On top of that, we are all demotivated to teach them.  

I stood in my classroom with my newly named 'IELTS C' class yesterday and stared at them, unable to speak.  The institution had rallied the troops and suddenly there was almost full attendance.  It was supposed to be speaking class.  But I didn't know what to say.  Suddenly, I was thrown back into the hagwon in Korea. The memories flooded into my brain and I was dumb.  I rung my director of studies and he had to come and take over.  Next thing I know is I am telling him I want to leave the job and then booking myself into a hostel for some R & R.  I go home, pack all my belongings and head for the door.


The reason for moving out was to have a break from my broken down relationship.  Following on from the announcement on Friday, I had a full bank holiday weekend with Lisa, punctuated only by a visit to a friend's place near Sanyuanqiao on Sunday afternoon.  My brain is so addled now that is quite difficult to recall what exactly happened.   But one minute things were fine, the next minute we are having a blazing row.  A watershed moment appeared to be my impetuous throwing of her rucksack onto the dirty ground, on Saturday, when she pushed one of those delicately placed buttons which I possess.   It was metaphoric, it meant I shown just how little consideration I had for her.    She said that if I paid her what I owed her, she would leave.  I did.  She didn't. 

Then on Monday, after another day in which I failed to impress, we had another row culminating in her turning off my internet access mid-conversation on Skype.  She then proceeded to delete all the photos of us, including all the Philippines photos, plus removed my email address and my contact from her mobile phone.  She also gave me a running commentary while doing this.  I felt deleted! 


In between, I managed to lose my beloved iPod, which I was carrying around in my favourite denim jacket on Sunday afternoon.  There is no direct blame there, it was my fault, but my brain was probably preoccupied with discussions about out future together.  For her, it seemed sad but actually an opportunity to buy a newer model and start reloading the tracks again.  I just wanted to mourn.  Sure enough, I had the perfect opportunity the following day.  We returned to the park to try and find the jacket.  No hope, of course.  It was Qingming, a Chinese bank holiday, when relatives tender to the graves of departed loved ones.  So I found the grave where I think I had last held my jacket with the iPod inside, and I mourned its passing.


Which brings me to now.  I am currently writing from a hostel in Beixinqiao.  I have been encouraged by my employer to take stock, refocus and to make a definite decision about when I want to leave.   It will definitely be some time in early May, although if I can get through to the 14th, it would be appreciated, but I am not being forced.  It could be around the 10th.  Either way, it looks like I will come home just after the General Election.  So, there are still a few days in which my decision could swing the result (my return to the UK) one way or the other. 

Last week I managed to sort out my CRB.  The Bell International Partnership Scheme Manager came to Beijing and signed off my form.  She personally took it to the Cambridge office 2 days later.  So I will definitely be working at the Leys on the Young Learners' Programme again, this summer.   The importance of this piece of certainty is key.  It means that I can take a break away from work between May and the beginning of July.  I can regroup, refocus and decide what I will do next.  I also need to take stock of my finances which, as a result of two bad decisions based on two different Chinese women, are 'in the black' again.  


I was due to teach 'Philosophy' terminology to my students this Friday.  This has been shelved along with 90% of what I was doing.  But I have had to start thinking philosophically lately.  As I come to terms with another mini-episode in my life, I have to accept that there are things I need in order to survive.  Peace of mind is one, stability is another.  I have discovered and realised that I am not a traveller.   Lisa, despite her Chinese ontology, has made me see a few things more clearly.  I do make things complicated and I do struggle to speak plain and simple.  I know that I am capable of many things, but I chose not to do them.  I am actually lazy and non adventurous.  I like a home life and comfort.  I'm self-centred.  I am not as interesting as I thought.  I am still trying to carve out a career, but struggle because I quit too easily and I will never earn the salary I truly deserve.  Despite my best efforts, I have never properly settled in Beijing.  It annoys me too much.  It's dirty, it's usually overcast.  The people speak too loudly. Every other man spits with carefree abandon. 



I will survive.

TP