And so I come to the end. It's 30 April, and I have 1 more week to go in this lovely country. But my mind is made up and I am returning home to the UK, and it is unlikely I will return to Beijing soon.
The students are decorating the 2nd floor of building 7 at CAFA with their portfolio artwork and posing for their graduation photos (see above and below). Many of them have offers to study abroad, but that doesn't tell half the story of a foundation programme which is flawed in many respects. I taught my final lesson on Wed 28 April. It was about 'cause and effect' and I based it on the recent Icelandic Ash Cloud.
Next week, new students will be given placement tests and interviewed to assess their English ability. Personally, I reckon it is going to be more of the same. I'm glad to be getting out of it. I'm tired of getting to know (and teaching) the Chinese. But PLEASE don't call me a bigot!
It has not been easy. Despite the relief which comes from making the decision, I have felt depressed about my life situation and the inability, at times, to see something through to the end. Circumstances have caused my mood to go through a rough patch, although I am fully aware I will recover... no doubt a lot quicker than the confidence setback that leaving South Korea proved to be. My main life concern is money... if I had some, things would be a lot better. I need to sort out some debts and try to work out a way that I can go from contract to contract and stay solvent, without continuously owing the bank.
Emotionally, I have been better, but also far worse. I have patched things up domestically and have resolved to be nice for the remaining time that I am here. The apparent criticisms aimed at me have only ever been observations. A lot of what I feel comes from the environment, the city that I chose to live and work in for 9 months. I am extraordinarily jealous of those people who have managed to make Beijing work for them. Last Saturday (24 April), I was at a BBQ surrounded by Brits, Americans and Canadians and their respectively partners - many of them locals. I didn't feel I fitted in with those that had made Beijing their home. Although there was plenty of relish for the sausages!
As I draw things to a close, I have been tempted by the offer to stay. I would have to find other work but the domestic situation could improve to a point that was more than bearable. My co-tenant and girlfriend of the past 3 months is on the verge of being interviewed and offered a 420,000 yuan per year job with one of the world's biggest software developers, Oracle. The standard of living would be quite reasonable if I threw in the 12-15,000 per month which I could potentially earn if I looked hard enough for another job or went freelance. But whereas she is motivated by career development, I am not. Of course, I want to develop my TEFL experience but I don't chase the money or responsibility in quite the same way. I have been reminded of certain aspects of my character, but frankly I don't care about the things which I am already fully aware of and see no reason to change. An important thing is being true to myself and not losing the aspects of my character which are appealing to most. We can all seek self-improvement but I don't need lectures anymore about how to behave.
I am very conscious that I will turn 40 next year. The more I think about that the more I really want to get my life sorted out. And that does not necessarily mean a relationship. The desire of being at 'home' - by that I mean the UK - at that point - have increased a lot. I have a desire to take stock and reflect once more, but not too much. I know that my friends, the ones who truly matter, the ones who know and love me the most are in the UK, somewhere. Oh, and Busan.
So, it's time to stock up on cheap DVD box-sets, pack the bags and return to my real home and not the pseudo hotel room I have been living in recently, nor the city which surely has its charms but is not the place I want to settle. Sorry Beijing... you and me are not working out like I hoped.
Next stop: UK (9 May)
It is now 7 April. I have arrived at the beginning of the end. Final decisions about exit date are still to be confirmed, but I will now be leaving Beijing, China sometime in May, which is around one month earlier than originally planned.
Recent events, which can be grouped into 2 areas, have spurred on this end game. One area is the changes which have taken place at the University which have completely undermined our company and my motivation to be there. The other area, naturally, is my domestic situation.
I reached the breaking point at work last Friday, when rumoured changes to the teaching programme were officially laid out. It was a drastic, knee-jerk reaction to low attendance and a total disregard for the students' education and my company's well planned syllabus. Just when we into a groove for this semester, knowing what we were doing and what the aims were, the university told the students about changes, without consulting us first. Any reasonable provider would walk away and take its teachers with them. Not here. All our planning and expectations have been chucked into the rubbish bin, along with our professional, experienced knowledge of overseas universities. We tried to oppose the changes, but were shouted down. Students who have an IELTS score of 5.0 and above can be signed off and do not have to attend class. Given the option, most will take it. However, it does them a complete disservice to allow them to think that they have made it into the wider world. They will scrape through into a foreign university, immediately struggle with the pace of learning and have to quit within the first 6 months. I understand the issues of retention, being a student rep and a welfare officer at Anglia, Cambridge. There we had a lot of foreign students who fell through the net. Now we have 6 weeks (which includes 2 bank holidays) to provide yet another 'intensive' training course to get the 4.5s up half a band. The students have been 'threatened' that if they don't attend class they will not 'graduate' from this prestigious institution. Too late! Most of these students do not have what it takes to study. Only fantastic luck will save them. On top of that, we are all demotivated to teach them.
I stood in my classroom with my newly named 'IELTS C' class yesterday and stared at them, unable to speak. The institution had rallied the troops and suddenly there was almost full attendance. It was supposed to be speaking class. But I didn't know what to say. Suddenly, I was thrown back into the hagwon in Korea. The memories flooded into my brain and I was dumb. I rung my director of studies and he had to come and take over. Next thing I know is I am telling him I want to leave the job and then booking myself into a hostel for some R & R. I go home, pack all my belongings and head for the door.
The reason for moving out was to have a break from my broken down relationship. Following on from the announcement on Friday, I had a full bank holiday weekend with Lisa, punctuated only by a visit to a friend's place near Sanyuanqiao on Sunday afternoon. My brain is so addled now that is quite difficult to recall what exactly happened. But one minute things were fine, the next minute we are having a blazing row. A watershed moment appeared to be my impetuous throwing of her rucksack onto the dirty ground, on Saturday, when she pushed one of those delicately placed buttons which I possess. It was metaphoric, it meant I shown just how little consideration I had for her. She said that if I paid her what I owed her, she would leave. I did. She didn't.
Then on Monday, after another day in which I failed to impress, we had another row culminating in her turning off my internet access mid-conversation on Skype. She then proceeded to delete all the photos of us, including all the Philippines photos, plus removed my email address and my contact from her mobile phone. She also gave me a running commentary while doing this. I felt deleted!
In between, I managed to lose my beloved iPod, which I was carrying around in my favourite denim jacket on Sunday afternoon. There is no direct blame there, it was my fault, but my brain was probably preoccupied with discussions about out future together. For her, it seemed sad but actually an opportunity to buy a newer model and start reloading the tracks again. I just wanted to mourn. Sure enough, I had the perfect opportunity the following day. We returned to the park to try and find the jacket. No hope, of course. It was Qingming, a Chinese bank holiday, when relatives tender to the graves of departed loved ones. So I found the grave where I think I had last held my jacket with the iPod inside, and I mourned its passing.
Which brings me to now. I am currently writing from a hostel in Beixinqiao. I have been encouraged by my employer to take stock, refocus and to make a definite decision about when I want to leave. It will definitely be some time in early May, although if I can get through to the 14th, it would be appreciated, but I am not being forced. It could be around the 10th. Either way, it looks like I will come home just after the General Election. So, there are still a few days in which my decision could swing the result (my return to the UK) one way or the other.
Last week I managed to sort out my CRB. The Bell International Partnership Scheme Manager came to Beijing and signed off my form. She personally took it to the Cambridge office 2 days later. So I will definitely be working at the Leys on the Young Learners' Programme again, this summer. The importance of this piece of certainty is key. It means that I can take a break away from work between May and the beginning of July. I can regroup, refocus and decide what I will do next. I also need to take stock of my finances which, as a result of two bad decisions based on two different Chinese women, are 'in the black' again.
I was due to teach 'Philosophy' terminology to my students this Friday. This has been shelved along with 90% of what I was doing. But I have had to start thinking philosophically lately. As I come to terms with another mini-episode in my life, I have to accept that there are things I need in order to survive. Peace of mind is one, stability is another. I have discovered and realised that I am not a traveller. Lisa, despite her Chinese ontology, has made me see a few things more clearly. I do make things complicated and I do struggle to speak plain and simple. I know that I am capable of many things, but I chose not to do them. I am actually lazy and non adventurous. I like a home life and comfort. I'm self-centred. I am not as interesting as I thought. I am still trying to carve out a career, but struggle because I quit too easily and I will never earn the salary I truly deserve. Despite my best efforts, I have never properly settled in Beijing. It annoys me too much. It's dirty, it's usually overcast. The people speak too loudly. Every other man spits with carefree abandon.
I will survive.
TP
Woke up on Saturday 20 March in my new apartment to find the outside was covered in thick yellow dust. Elsewhere described as 'orange', depending on your own particular colour filter, this is an annual problem in many parts of China. The sand originates from Inner Mongolia and drifts across when there are high winds. It's the biggest storm for a year, but not that unusual. It's exactly the same sand which is carried over to South Korea, by which time it strangely turns 'yellow' and gets called 'Huang-sa'. In China,where it is known as 'Sha Chen Bao', a massive vegetation plantation programme has been carried out in recent years to try to limit the effect on the capital city. On Monday, more dust blew in and a severe yellow haze. Unfortunately more of this is predicted for April. Meanwhile we wait for Spring to fully take hold.
On March 16 Lisa and I moved into apartment 201, Kandouguoji (pron: Can-do-Gwo-jee). After signing the contract on Saturday 13, we separately moved our stuff over from our respectively places on the Tuesday. There was a false start to the new life, with tensions during the first few days, but things begun to settle by the weekend. A shopping trip to the French supermarket, Carrefour, on Saturday, helped us to nest properly and we began to cook (or rather Lisa begun to cook) at home, rather than eating out.
Since then, what Lisa calls the 'vibration' phase has been fully operational. We begun to settle into a routine, with early rises and synchronized dinners. I cooked Ratatouille on Thursday, despite a visit to the hospital. A 'fall-out' about something has never been far away. And on Friday night/Saturday morning a further 'bust-up' after a rejection resulted in.. first, me being asked to leave, then her packing her bags to leave, then a compromise and an offer to forget about all the bad stuff, a further rejection and me being asked to leave again. The last time I looked we weren't in a relationship and heading for the end game, although there is still a door open! She will stay, I will leave in around 2 weeks time, she will go to France and I won't be there when she returns. I will work out what I can afford to pay her for the inconvenience, although I have already stipulated that we had a 'verbal' contract about this. This seemed to shock her into yet another U-turn!
My nerves were not helped this week by an accident when I hastily exited a taxi in Dongshishitiao, following an argument with the driver, and knocked an oncoming young, male motorcyclist off his bike, causing minor injuries. The taxi driver did a 'runner' leaving me in a state, trying to calm down the youngster, while having no mandarin and him having 2 words in English. I called for help from the office, but it was a while in coming. The cyclist's friend appeared and 'weighed up' the potential of the situation. We whisked the injury party off to the nearest (military) hospital. In my panicked state I admitted liability and tried to apologise, but soon begun to realise that this is not the local approach. What followed, was incredibly Chinese. With no experience of this kind of situation, I offered to pay for the treatment and the medicine. But it didn't stop there. The young driver, with the encouragement of his mate wanted compensation. Minor situations like this are dealt with face-to-face without police involvement. Negotiations took place as to how much to compensate him for his 'loss'. An X-Ray had shown there to be no broken bones, maybe a slight fracture of one finger. Estimated cost: 500 yuan (excluding 260 for drugs and treatment). Clearly they milked it for all it was worth, but it could have been worse. In hindsight, I was told that the taxi driver had been irresponsible and that the young driver himself had tried to drive through a narrow gap between a parked car and my taxi which had come to a halt. It was a lesson learned the hard way, but it shook me up and made me feel very foreign.
So it has not been easy lately. I have fallen out of love with my job, as the 'goalposts' continued to get moved, although I still haven't ruled out a return. It is still too early to call. A lot now depends on what happens with my relationship. My suspicion is that it will end sometime soon with a financial settlement needed. The 'court' may go for a 'fixed penalty' charge, but I will plead bankruptcy and may have to do community service. Meanwhile my heart yearns for the Red Rose of England once more. I am counting the days and waiting for the sun to shine properly through the haze.
